Do Some Women Feel Validated By Rejecting Men They Have No Interest In, In The First Place?

I will preface this essay by saying that I am first and foremost pro-woman in all that it entails. My mom was a college professor when I was born and there was no maternity leave back then, so I spent many hours on my mom’s back as she taught her classes. This was an era of glass ceilings, discrimination, and perfectly acceptable sexual harassment — struggles that paved the way for better opportunities for women today in the world of higher education. So this essay will not make any complaints or derogatory statements about women, but mere commentary of my own real-world experiences.

It was either some time in 2010 or 2011. A woman contacted me on OKCupid — this was when OKCupid was actually alright except that it based itself around the 1990s snake oil known as compatibility algorithms. After a very short interaction she asked me if I wanted to meet. In my 20s and 30s I didn’t know the signs of interest and disinterest the way I do now, so my instinct was to try anything. Interestingly now, in reading up on current dating advice, if a woman is forward about meeting a guy, it is said he should prioritize meeting as a sign of interest.

“I Didn’t Want To Meet You In The First Place.”

We met at Victory Bar on SE 37th and Division in Portland. I’m guessing she chose the place because it was within walking distance of where she lived. I was 30 or 31 and she was in her mid-late 40s. At some point in the middle-end of our “date” she said to me “I didn’t want to meet you in the first place.” In my head I thought “You were the one who suggested it in the first place, so why are we doing this?” I wasn’t in a position to call her on her bullshit in that moment — when are men in this position? But that isn’t the point. This woman essentially lured me out on a skool night for her benefit. But what benefit is that?

As an introverted person, I don’t gain energy from social interaction. And I’ve noticed over time, I lose even more energy in unintentional interaction, which unfortunately is what dating has become in the last 20 years. So to me, the whole concept of spending valuable free time with someone for the sake of socializing is just stupid. Why would anyone do this? Even the most extroverted person who does this will eventually burn out, right?

In the last few years I’ve talked with people of varying backgrounds about the state of dating as it is, and a coworker at the time brought up validation as a reason people go out on dates/”dates”. I’ve researched this topic a bit to the extent you can on the internet — a lot is said, but a lot more is NOT being said. It’s like people aren’t getting enough from Instagram or Facebook or or other social media outlets so they go out with people to feel important. This is pretty straightforward and kinda obvious.

How Many Ways Does Validation Manifest Itself?

Just recently I experienced someone contacting me through Bumble. Again, very short interaction (a few messages — absolutely no rapport here), and then she asked me “Want to meet up?” I’m 43 now, and she’s 51. My instincts are telling me this woman is not interested in me, and I suggest a phone call. She suggests a video chat when she gets back into town. I agree, but I don’t feel very good about it. I’ll circle back around on this one.

In early 2020 just prior to the pandemic hitting American shores, a woman contacted me on OKCupid, which by then migrated to swiping like every other service, long after it was sold to Match.com. This made it much more difficult to use. There was a very short interaction followed by “Want to meet up?” We met on a Saturday afternoon at The Kennedy school which was very near where she lived and at the end of the afternoon/early evening she said to me “This isn’t going to go anywhere romantically.” And I thought what any reasonable individual would have thought.

Then in late November 2021, a woman contacted me on another service, and after a short interaction, though this also included a 4 hour phone conversation, and we decided to meet at a bar near where she lived (oh the pattern, here!) and we met and she introduced me to the owner has her “friend” (yes, I could read between the lines there) and we went to a restaurant up the road from the bar for a bite and at the end she said “This isn’t going to go anywhere romantically.” And again I thought what any reasonable individual would have thought.

Fast forward now to my recent experience. The video chat. Well, my camera was on, hers was off, and after five minutes she said “I’ve gotten everything I need from this and this isn’t going to go anywhere romantically.” Which honestly, I already knew. I had opportunity to bail out prior to this, but I really didn’t expect her to make this a one-way video call which was incredibly rude in retrospect.

And this experience got me thinking:

Do some women derive personal validation by intentionally going out with/interacting with men they have no interest in by rejecting them?

Or put another way, do some women derive validation by leading men on?

Or are they just bored extroverts in need of social interaction and they can easily find someone to lure out for their own personal benefit? Is that also validation?

I’m very effusive with my life experience and have no problem being up front about my struggles with dating. But here’s the thing, dating advice is basically useless. You are not going to “level up” or “hack” yourself into being more attractive. Most dating advice assumes that the environment exists in a vacuum and that men and women are all looking for relationships, which is untrue/bollocks. Most dating advice is also given from a very narrow worldview and people often manipulate their interpretation of said advice to suit their unrealistic standards (e.g. not settling for anyone less than 6ft tall when the advice is to not settle for someone who’s a self-centered asshole).

We love to forget in the United States because on average we have more than anyone else in the world, that we are the most insecure society in the world. From a political scientist perspective, just look at Trumpism. Trumpists have exceptionally low self-esteem and have been tricked into believing whatever Russian propaganda the US right-wing spews out that caters to their insecurities. These folks were targeted specifically for this reason by Trump and his cronies for political gains.

Hitler succeeded in creating Nazi Germany because so much of the German population had incredibly low self-esteem from being pronounced not only the losers of The Great War, but also bearing the responsibility of causing all of it. The Weimar republic was inherently weak because of economic sanctions and limitations, and the Reich To Last A Thousand Years sounded really good except to anyone non-Aryan-approved.

I’m not saying the “women who done me wrong” are Nazis. Far from it. I’m merely pointing out that validation and shitting on other people are a function of self-esteem problems and insecurity and folks in the US are often in denial of our insecurities and self-esteem issues. Especially single people who think they’re entitled to someone who will “add to my life and not complicate it” or “would rather stay single rather than settle for less than I deserve”.

So why isn’t it possible that there are women who are complete assholes who use men to feel better about themselves by meeting men they have no interest in and then rejecting them?

It’s not much different than men who are assholes and treat women like shit, but in a completely different way because of the way men and women (in the hetero sense) are socialized. In my mid 30s I stopped taking this kind of stuff personally, and now I just look at it from the standpoint of an interesting and unfortunate pattern that seems to be a “thing”. Put another way, it’s all just part of the rich tapestry of life.

I’ve also learned that you can be right, or you can be happy, and it’s better to be happy. And happiness comes from not taking things personally, at least in part.

Treating men like shit because men have treated women like shit is not making a wrong a right. I’m no saint, nor God’s/Buddha’s/Zeus’/Neptune’s gift to women, but I don’t shit on women. Now it could be because of that I’m a juicy target for women…who are shitty. I don’t know. That’s their problem anyway. What I do know is that it’s better to struggle with dating and be single than it is to be in a toxic relationship or marriage (especially when kids are involved) but at the same time, and this is an absolute truism: life is meant to be shared.